I received my succulents via mail last friday (thanks, Mom!). But a big surprise happened when I opened the box. I'd unintentionally picked out a smoker.

Kalanchoe luciae aka Flapjacks McGee huffs on the things as if they were soil laced with a heavy dosage of sunshine. I'm trying to help her quit. I told her that the nicotine was an inferior substitute for what she really craved: Propagation.

I'm yet to convince her. She thinks she looks groovy (succulents prefer 'groovy' to 'rad' or 'awesome') with the cigarette hanging off her leaf and she swears that it makes her roots tingle like no form of nitrogen enriched substrate or commercially produced fertilizer has ever done. I told her it was the tingle of gangrene. Then she cursed me for anthropomorphizing her.

As for now, I'm hoping she doesn't spread her bad habit to her sill companions. I'm planning on buying her the patch. She didn't do well with the gum; she couldn't absorb carbon dioxide and chew at the same time. When I threatened to withhold water, she just laughed and chanted "I'm drought tolerant, bitch!"